Otacon's Big Break
by SamandMax
Summary: Otacon heads to Hollywood to pitch a screenplay he wrote about his tragic love with Sniper Wolf.


Otacon's Big Break  
  
Director: Otacon, good to see you. I just got done reading your script. It was fabulous, and trust me, I know fabulous.  
  
Otacton: Thanks.  
  
Director: But when I say fabulous, I mean it needs some work. The script was...how I do I put this nicely...absolute garbage.  
  
Otacon: But you just said it was fabulous?  
  
Director: Sorry. I sometimes get terrible and fabulous mixed up.  
  
Otacon: What didn't you like about it?  
  
Director: Hmmm...where to begin...well, you seemed to have made a drama.  
  
Otacon: So?  
  
Director: People don't like dramas anymore. Even Seabiscuit, which was supposed to be a drama, had that robotic horse that shot lasers and trampled Tobey Maguire.  
  
Otacon: That didn't happen in the movie!   
  
Director: Sure it did.  
  
Otacon: I've seen the movie! That happens nowhere in the film!  
  
Director: Ha, I think I know a little more abouts movie than you, drunky.   
  
Otacon: Drunky? I'm not drunk!  
  
Director: Sure you aren't Boozer McBooze.  
  
Otacon: Ok, that's enough. Let's get back on track here. What else didn't you like about the screenplay?  
  
Director: Well, you told me it was a tragic romance tale, about the love between you and a sniper that could never last.  
  
Otacon: Yes, that's right. Based on a true story.  
  
Director: Sorry to tell you this, but romance is dead. It was shot in the face by sex and violence.   
  
Otacon: If that's true, then why do they make so many romance movies?  
  
Director: I don't know, for curiousity I suppose. Maybe as a joke.   
  
Otacon: So you're saying you hate my script because it's a romantic drama?  
  
Director: No, I don't hate your script. It's probably one of the best scripts I've read in a long time. I just hate the fact that it's a romantic drama.  
  
Otacon: So how could I fix it?  
  
Director: Excellent question, because I know the answer. Violence.  
  
Otacton: Violence?  
  
Director: Yes. People like violence. Even Ghandi liked violence in the movies, he liked to see The Three Stooges bash each other over the heads with various plumbing supplies.   
  
Otacon: So you want me to add head bashing into my script?  
  
Director: Not just head bashing. You should add crotch kicking, flame throwing, face punching, and even head decapitating. At the end of every sentence, there should be a violent act. Even if you say you hi, you should kick a guy in the neck.  
  
Otacon: Wow. That makes no sense.  
  
Director: Well, let me give you an example. At one point in the screenplay, the character Sniper Wolf says 'My love is like a bullet.' When she says this, I think she should pull out a gun and shoot someone in the face, to show how her love is like a bullet in the head.  
  
Otacton: What?  
  
Director: And then in another part, when you and Sniper Wolf are having the romantic dinner at the ice castle, you say 'That evil Snake is trying to tear us apart!'. I think we should a quick scene where we Snake actually tearing someone in half, and he could say something witty like 'Looks like this guy had to split.'  
  
Otacon: Ok, let me ask a question here. Snake says he wants to tear me and Sniper Wolf apart, yet he rips another irrelevant guy in half?   
  
Director: Yeah, now you're catching on.  
  
Otacon: So I suppose in the part where Sniper Wolf is complaining that it's too hot, you want her to pull out a flamethrower and set someone on fire.  
  
Director: Wow! I was just going to have her impale someone with a sword, but setting them on fire makes even more sense!  
  
Otacon: Do you make anything other than action movies?  
  
Director: Absolutely not. I've made all kinds of action classics. 'Deathcar', 'Detective Death', 'Death to the Deathgivers', 'Decapitation Island', 'Bloody Death Blood', and the award winning 'Deathcar on Decapitation Island.'  
  
Otacon: Ok, I think I came to the wrong guy to make this movie.  
  
Director: No way! Your movie could be so good as an action movie, I get herpes just thinking about it.  
  
Otacon: Herpes? What the hell are you talking about it?  
  
Director: Look, if you want to make a powerful drama, go ahead. Go to some sleazeball who'll take your movie and make a masterpiece out of it.   
  
Otacon: Ok.  
  
Director: Wait, I didn't finish. You can go make some masterpiece, or you could stay here and make the bloodiest, deathiest, rockingest action movie ever made! CAN YOU DIG IT!  
  
Otacon: No. 


End file.
